


Watch the Arms

by GalaxyWanderer



Series: Outsiders's Looks [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Ex-Shenko, Gen, Mass Effect 3, Shakarian - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-02-12
Updated: 2013-05-22
Packaged: 2017-11-29 00:37:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/680682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GalaxyWanderer/pseuds/GalaxyWanderer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of short chapters/fills set during ME3 from Joker’s POV. F!Shepard/Garrus, ex-Shepard/Kaidan.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Friends

**_Watch the Arms_ **

Chapter One: _Friends_

“Oh, Shit!”, Joker swore before he could control it and sensed – more than he saw it – the exact moment Shepard silently stiffened just a few steps behind him. They’d just gotten through the Apien Crest Relay on the Trebia System and the fight going on around them was, to say the least, _brutal_.

He surreptitiously watched Shepard for a second and, if he hadn’t known the Commander for so long, he would never be able to tell just how much the scene before them had affected her.

“Take us as close to that moon as possible, Joker”, she ordered as if there was nothing wrong. “And after we deploy in the shuttle, get the _Normandy_ to a safe distance. I don’t care if the stealth systems are engaged. I rather not risk encountering with the big bad killing machines face-to-face...” she patted his shoulder lightly and then turned on her heels to leave the cockpit.

“Hey, Shepard”, he called before she could leave and saw her look over her shoulder. “I’m sure he’s okay”.

Her lips twitched just a little as she nodded and, then, she was off. “EDI, tell James and Liara to suit up and meet me by the _Kodiak_ in five.”

“At once, Shepard,” came the AI’s answer through the speaker just before the door to the CIC closed with a hiss.

The silence in the cabin after the CO’s exit was heavy. For a few minutes Joker just sifted through panels while commanding the ship around; just doing his work. After Cortez announced that they were off, he took the ship just a little further away, near the orbit of Caelax, and kept an eye on the sensors. All he could do now was wait for them to do their thing and come back.

He didn’t know how he could tell it – while the _Normandy_ was a Cerberus vessel, there was that irritating blue holographic interface always watching him, but the Alliance had disabled it – even so, he knew that she was silently watching him.

“What is it, EDI?” He decided to ask just to get rid of the awful sensation of being surveyed, and also to end the creepy silence around them.

“How did you know that Shepard was thinking about Garrus?” The question – and the fact that it wasn’t completely unexpected – actually put a little smile on the pilot’s face.

“Beside he going back to Palaven being the last thing we heard about him?” he shrugged, not sure of how to explain that to the AI.

“Shepard’s armor did show some distress and off-readings, but I haven’t made such a connection...” her voice showed something like unrest and curiosity – what still amazed him.

“Oh, come on! _That_ wasn’t even that hard to figure out!” he shook his head. “ _You_ , better than anyone else, know just _how close_ those two became before we got grounded.” Joker added with a bit of irony and some measure of debauch, but then he sighed sobering up at the memory of the planet on fire. “And, even if they weren’t an item, he’s still one of her closest friends. It’s only natural that she’d be worried about him...”

“I see,” she said quietly and then fell silent for a few seconds. “So, you’re saying that you knew what she was thinking about because... you are also worried about your friend?” Joker actually startled. He hadn’t thought of it like that. At the time he just concentrated on how hard it should be for Shepard and on doing – saying – something to comfort her.

“Yeah. I suppose you’re right...”, he muttered, leaning against his chair. He could only hope they’d be safe and, as it was, he made a silent prayer that _his_ turian friend could, somehow, join them again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: "Talk and Dance: Rhythm"


	2. Absurdity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After fetching the turian Primarch, EDI simply blackouts, Joker tries to understand what the hell's going on with his baby.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is set after "Taking Names: Trust"

**_Watch the Arms_ **

Part Two:  _Absurdity_

 

“Maybe something was miscalibrated?” Joker teased the turian trying to get rid of the apprehension he felt.

“You  _do_  know who you’re talking to, right?” came the snickered jab.

“Yeah, yeah. I had to ask...” he heaved a sigh. “Well, if you see Shepard, ask her to head to the AI core and figure this out...”

“Will do.”

His hand hovered onto the Comm button as he considered calling Engineering, but then remembered that Adams was at the AI core door, waiting for Shepard to show up. He suddenly found himself wanting to have Daniels and Donnelly aboard the ship. And Tali. He definitely wished Tali were on board.

 _Shit! It is the retrofit tech’s fault! I’m sure of it...’_ He clenched and unclenched his hands while reading EDI’s last diagnostic log trying to figure out just what the  _hell_  she'd been doing before she shut off.  _This would never happen before those grease monkeys got their eager hands on_ my _ship..._

It just didn't make any sense for that kind of thing to happen. Plus, it’d have to be some really advanced stuff to hit the Normandy’s AI as fast as it did so that EDI wouldn’t even have time to warn him something was wrong. After everything they went through together, Joker thought it a bit ironic that now – when he finally got used to the AI's nagging presence – she'd die on him.

“And I’d just got her to finally understand my brand of humor, too.” he muttered, taking his cap out and running a hand through his hair. “Damn it, EDI! Don’t leave me hanging. Give me something here!” He pleaded, startling when the heat diffusion systems started beeping indicating fire on the AI core. “Anything, but _that!_ ” he quickly pressed a few buttons to turn on the fire extinguishers.

“Joker, what’s that noise?” Shepard’s voice came out of the Comm.

“Fire extinguishers. It could be electrical fire or... something.” he breathed a little bit at ease now that the Commander was on it. Whatever had happened, Shepard would fix it.

“Alright, I’m going in.” She announced and a second later he saw that the door to the AI core had opened.

He turned his gaze back to the monitors in front of him to check on their approach to the Relay, keeping just a peripheral look on EDI’s systems. They’d be reaching the Citadel later than planned because of that, but he was thankful whatever happened to EDI did so before they entered the jump velocity from the Apien Crest to the Serpent Nebula. God only knows what could happen if...

The data on EDI’s monitor started running faster again as her processers seemed to restart.

“Please, tell me you’re back to the land of the living!” he said and held his breath waiting for an answer. After what seemed like an eternity, he finally heard her sweet –  _huh? Where did that come from?_  – voice again and he was able to breathe.

“I would not have put it in those words exactly, but everything is back in order now, Jeff,” her voice was as matter-of-factly as ever and he considered the strangeness of being upset about her lack of repentance. She should be sorry for making him worry that much. But, then again, why he’d care?

“Well, glad to hear it! So... What the hell just happened to my ship?” he wanted to know.

“I had a little problem with a backup security system in the Cerberus mobile unit we picked up on Mars while trying to sweep it for information over the Protean device...”

“I wouldn’t call going offline a  _little_   _problem_ , EDI!” he ranted, ogling at the surveillance camera and barely registering that the door to the cockpit opened.

“Well, I did not know you cared so much...” the mocking voice came from someplace behind him instead of the speakers. That made him turn his chair and blink over and over again while looking at the robot –  _the_ naked _robot; the naked android with_ so much padding – standing before him.

He couldn’t help but contemplate the direction –  _the deviant direction_  – his mind had wandered off and Joker just  _knew_  he was agape, but couldn’t quite muster the strength to close his mouth. Certainly he’d go to hell for it. _On the other hand, I might just be in heaven..._

“I took control of this mobile platform,” she informed him while fidgeting in an odd way, probably still trying to get used and adjusting to the body. “Is this a fitting model?”

“Hell, yeah!” the answer came out before he could stop it and, at the unusually smug look on EDI’s face  _– EDI and face in the same sentence:_   _how crazy is that?_  – he forced his mind to reboot and start properly working again before he’d say something really inappropriate. “But, you know, EDI, you didn’t have to conform yourself to some kind of feminine ideal just to please me...” he teased her and checked the need to facepalm.  _Shit, serious case of foot-in-the-mouth disease..._

“Who said anything about pleasing  _you_?” Joker was aghast by the flirtatious quip on her voice and the swing of her hips. And the wicked thing only had a body for about five minutes. He was  _so_  screwed!

“Ouch! Now you just hurt my feelings,” he jokingly replied, taking notice of her slightly curled lips. “That could seriously debilitate my performance, you know? I just might need you to stay within visual range to improve my morale...”

“As you say,” she shook her head sitting on the co-pilot seat. “I just finished recalculating our trajectory to the Mass Relay. The incident that allowed me to take control of this body has only delayed us in seven-point-forty-three minutes.”

“Got it!” he said, stealing a glance at her before re-plotting their way to approach the Mass Relay.

After a few seconds of silence, he heard EDI start making a noise that closely resembled humming and then she went on with: 

_“Give me your answer, do.  
I'm half crazy...”_

“Wait. Is that...?” he interrupted her, wide-eyed as his head whipped to her. With an absurdly expressionless face, she watched him for a few heartbeats before speaking again.

“ _That_...  was a joke.”

“Not funny, EDI!” he protested, but couldn’t help being amazed by the sheer amusement in her voice.  _Damn her! She almost had me there..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: "Talk and Dance: Idolatry"
> 
> A little side note here: To those who don't know, the little tune EDI sang there at the end was "Daisy Bells", the same song Joker warned her not to sing before unshackling her during the Collector attack.


End file.
